Saying Goodbye and Life is for the living
by Dr. Eminem
Summary: These are two stories I had posted under seprate names, and decided to put them together. They aren't my best, not that my best is good. They are basicly about Teri's funeral and than years later jack visits. Sort of depressing.
1. Saying good bye

Author Note: I didn't send this to get edited so there are probably a lot of grammar errors. Why didn't I? Mostly because if I don't post it now I never will, so its sort of a now or never thing. I wrote it in two hours so it may not be my best and it was just me applying things that I felt or have felt to Jack's character and I think it sort of fits.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters so on and so on. Song is Fuel's Die Like This from natural selection.  
  
The angels cry tonight  
  
As the rain washed that lonely place  
  
From their eyes  
  
And softly as she said  
  
You know our hearts will never get  
  
Out alive  
  
She made no sound  
  
Then goodbye  
  
He watched the sun rise. His eyes drying up hours ago as the alcohol took control. His mind not numb instead to tired to think. Today was the day. He would have to face everyone and bear the guilt of having been the reason they where all there. His mind dreaded it. It was the final goodbye he never should have had to say. He was supposed to die before her, not the other way around. He could see it in all of their eyes the other day while they were making the arrangements; he had taken her from them again. It was his entire fault, and he had no right to be alive. He knew he should be dead, and almost did it himself, but something held him back.  
  
He could never quit even when he was beat and that is all he wanted to do was quit, but the voice of his father came over his head, "Get up you damn lazy bastard. You f*cking pansy. What are you a girl crying like this? You should have taken care of your family. You are not a man because you couldn't. Look how pathetic you are. She knew that, that is why she wanted to leave you. The only reason she ever took you back was because you were so pathetic she felt sorry for you. Look how you repaid her. You got her killed. It's your fault and everyone knows it."  
  
He got out of the bed smelling her faint smell left over from all the nights she had slept in here. He thought, "She will never sleep in here again, and it is all your fault." He smelled her pillow to smell her one last time because after the funeral it would be gone, with everything else, but the things she left behind that ripped at his mind with all the memories they brought back.  
  
He took a shower and shaved so that he would look at least half way decent. He would not look like the depressed guilty person that he was. He dressed in the suit that Teri had bought for him not to long ago. The same suit he wore to all of the funerals of the men that died in Operation Nightfall, but this would be different. Those funerals were mostly empty caskets because the bodies where never recovered, this one had a body in it and there was no hope. The only similarity was his guilt for all of their deaths.  
  
He walked into the kitchen where Kim and his sister Carol sat eating breakfast. He noticed Kim's red eyes and his heart hurt more. He wanted to crawl into a whole and die. He lowered his head in shame and avoided eye contact with her. He grabbed a cup of coffee and walked out to the front of the house. Fumbling trying to tie his tie.  
  
Kim noticed her father walk in. She hated him and loved him all at once. She knew he was not really at fault for her mom's death, but she had to blame someone other than Nina. She wanted to just let loose and break everything insight, but she hid her feelings like her father had done. She had inherited that ability from him, and used it well. She walked into the other room and noticed her father who was increasingly frustrated with the tie. She walked in front of him and noticed the tears that welled in his eyes. It made her heart sink even lower; something she thought was not possible. Had she still not hit rock bottom? She said, "Let me do it for you." She tied his tie and hugged him. She was not sure why she hugged him, she needed contact with someone, "I love you daddy." She said pulling away.  
  
Jack clenched his fist to keep himself from busting out in tears. He had to stay strong for Kim and he had no right to cry. He killed her. It was all his fault. He should walk back to the room and grab the gun and do the job. He should be there not her. He wanted to trade her so bad. He had prayed for the first time in a long time begging God to let him change her places, but God did not answer. That angered Jack. He hated God and everything about the being. He wanted to go up to heaven, if it existed, and just fight him. "I love you too Kim." He said watching his daughter to start to cry again. He hugged her holding her saying inaudibly, "I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry."  
  
Carol came over and took Kim from him. She had driven down the night that Teri died. Tony Almeida from Jack's office had called her to tell her the news. He went on to say with some hesitation and a lot of prodding that he was scared of what Jack might do. With that Carol left her husband and kids and drove down getting stopped once by a cop and she explained her situation and the cop let her go with a warning because she was Jack Bauer's sister after all and the man just saved the soon to be President.  
  
"We got to get going." Jack said in a hoarse voice. His throat had a huge lump in it and holding back the tears made it hurt more. He avoided eye contact with everyone not feeling worthy.  
  
They walked out to the SUV. Jack got in and started it up. Carol and Kim sat in the back. Kim had her head buried in her aunt's arms. Crying audibly, and with each whimper Jack felt the urge to cry and than the urge to die. He drove the funeral home in silenced besides Kim's muffled crying. When he pulled in the funeral home the caretaker meant him outside.  
  
"Morning Mr. Bauer. If you don't mind my assistant is going to drive your car around and get the line started. We have the limo you requested for Teri's family and your daughter." The caretaker said wondering why the man had not decided to ride in the limo also, but it was not his job to question just be there to help out and follow the wishes of the deceased and their family.  
  
"Thank you." Jack said getting out of the SUV opening the back for Carol and Kim to get out. He left the keys in the ignition and followed the caretaker inside.  
  
"Do you want to wait in the waiting area or would you like to have some time alone with Teri?"  
  
Each time the man said her name the lump in Jack's throat grew. He looked at Carol. He really wanted to see her alone without Kim or anyone around.  
  
"Go ahead. Kim and I will stay out here until you come back out." Carol said reassuringly. Hoping her little brother would let his feelings out when he was alone with her.  
  
Jack followed the caretaker in. "I'll leave you alone. When you are ready to receive the rest of the family just come out." The man said patting Jack on the back, "I'm sorry for you lose."  
  
The lump grew, and Jack was sure everyone could see this huge baseball size lump in his throat. "Thanks." He said in a hoarser voice than earlier. When the man left Jack walked up to the baby blue casket. It was her favorite color and her parents fought for it. Not that they had to Jack went along with everything they wanted. Jack stared at her it was not the first time he had lost someone he loved, and he thought to himself it wouldn't be the last either.  
  
She looked peaceful, almost as if she was just asleep. The child in his mind yelled for him to shake her to wake her up, but he knew this was a sleep she would not wake from. He felt his knees go week and the tears he could no longer hold back. They ran down his face onto his suit. "Teri I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry. I wish I could trade you places. Please come back. I can't live without you. I need you and Kim needs you. I'm so sorry. I never deserved to have you. You were just too good for me. I'm so sorry. It's all my fault. I never thought. I'm sorry. I'll never forget you and I will never love anyone else. I wish I would just die, but I can't even do that for you."  
  
She said love don't call on me again  
  
I never want to cry like this  
  
Die like this  
  
No more favors my old friend  
  
I never want to cry like this  
  
Die like this  
  
The visitation lasted too long. Jack stood and watched as people he knew and some he only knew in passing pay their respects to Teri. Her mother broke down as expected and so did her father. Jack went left his post by the casket when Kim came up and he stood behind her. Trying to be there for her, not that he could help her with anything. He wanted to take all the pain away, but he couldn't. He could not reverse the pain he had cause. When he turned around Teri's mother stood there.  
  
Fire in her eyes she slapped him across the face he ring cutting his face.  
  
He just looked at her, body dead eyes showing nothing. He knew he deserved it and he hoped that this old woman would just beat the crap out of him so he would feel he had done some of his penance.  
  
Teri's sister walked up and grabbed her mother. As she was pulling Teri's mother away she spit on Jack screaming, "You killed my baby. I told her you were never good for her. But she wouldn't listen to me. And look where you led her. You son of a bitch. I hope you rot in hell. You took my baby from me."  
  
Jack looked at her, only a little pain showing threw, but as he went to speak more pain became evident, "I'm sorry." Is all he could say. He looked down at his feet.  
  
Teri's mom broke loose from her daughter. Pissed that he would even be here she ran up and started smacking and hitting him nonstop. Jack doing nothing to stop her he took it until Teri's sister got a hold of her mother and pulled her away.  
  
Jack turned around again. He did not want to have to look anyone in the eye. Kim was behind him crying. He looked her in the eyes, tears now coming down his own face, "I'm sorry." She walked past him and sat back down. Jack retook his post by the casket shaking anyone's hand who wanted to give their condolences. Teri's mom rejoining the line from whatever room she had been taken to in order to calm down. Jack stood next to her father who had not spoken to Jack since he had asked to marry their daughter and was told no, but he went ahead and asked anyways. Jack knew they always saw him as the guy from the wrong side of the tracks. When he meant Teri Jack was doing well in his career at Delta and had been on a weekend leave with the other members of his team. She came to him, which surprised him at the time, and asked him to dance. She laughed because he was a horrible dancer, but she was patient with him and tried to show him how to dance. They spent the rest of the night in a small coffee shop talking. Jack found it weird how easily he could speak with her. He had always been a quiet person, but something about her made him less quiet. It was like if he stopped talking this beautiful angel might leave him.  
  
It was time. Everyone sat down and watched and listened as the sermon was given. When the preacher finished with the passage and the praying he said, "Teri had wanted her husband to say a few words. Jack would you please come forward."  
  
Jack's heart froze he knew this was coming. Her parents were pissed when they saw that in her will. They did not want him to speak of their daughter. But they could not go against her wishes. So they let him.  
  
Jack walked up to the podium. His legs slightly shaking, he was scared. He did not want to do this; he knew he could not hold back his feelings up there. He cleared his throat hoping the lump would subside long enough for him to speak.  
  
He began, "Teri and I meant about nineteen years ago. I was an Army Officer at the time on a weekend leave. She was a young college student out enjoying a Friday night. When I walked into the bar I had noticed her automatically. She was beautiful and had this angelic like face and quality. I went to the bar glancing over every now and then. She was the one who made the move, she asked me to dance. I told her I couldn't dance, but she told me that was nonsense everyone could dance they just had to be taught. She tried so hard to teach me to do something as simple as the Texas-two step but I couldn't. She never lost her patience though. She was reassuring and never stopped trying. Even later on before our wedding."  
  
He stopped for a moment trying to gain control over himself, he clenched his fist. He could feel the blood trickling out of his palm as his nails had cut into his skin. "She had this quality she could just strike up a conversation with anyone and have them laughing as if they were best friends. I use to wonder how she did it. She could always make everything look like it was going to be fine. Even on the darkest days she was the light there ready to fix and make everything fine again. She was a wonderful person, and she brought a wonderful woman into the world. Our daughter Kim. She loved her so much and was so proud of her. Teri was going to have another child, and she or he would have been just as wonderful as Teri and Kim are."  
  
Jack swallowed hard the tears welling in his eyes again causing his vision to become blurry. He acted as if he was scratching his eyes, but he was really wiping the tears out of them. He could not hold them back anymore; they came out as he said the last line, "I'm so sorry that she got taken from this world so early. I know it's all my fault and I am so sorry. I'm so sorry she and our child were killed because of me. I can't take it back and I know I have no right to be here." Jack finished and sat down in his chair.  
  
Others got up and spoke of Teri. The whole visitation lasted an hour and half. The pallbearers got up and went to the casket. Everyone lined up outside watching as they carried her out to the hearse that would drive her to her final resting place. Once she was inside Jack asked his sister, "Will you ride with Kim to help her out please."  
  
Carol went to protest but Jack's eyes pleaded with her, "You are coming right?"  
  
"Yes. I'm right behind you." Jack said looking her in the eye letting her know he was not going to run away from it all again.  
  
"Ok. I'll see you there than."  
  
Jack got into his car and started it. The keys awaited him in the ignition. When he turned it on he turned the radio down. Someone had once told him listening to the radio while in the funeral procession was rude; he found it to be weird because how could it be rude. He needed the music now, something to help him gain control of himself. He put his sunglass's on and wept covertly as he drove behind the limo that carried his daughter and Teri's family to the graveyard.  
  
And so we danced alone  
  
But pain is always so betrayed  
  
With our eyes  
  
But I know now  
  
On hearts the faithless can't rely  
  
Do dreams make no sound  
  
As they die  
  
At the graveyard Jack sat stood off to the side of the chairs. There were just enough chairs for Teri's mother, father, sister, and Kim to sit in. So Jack stood next to Kim. His hands in his pants pocket clenching his keys. Trying to ignore the pain he felt in his heart. He thought to himself, I really wish I believed in heaven so I could believe she went to a better place. But he had lost his faith long ago, and these events did not help him in regaining it.  
  
The ceremony was quick. They had the final prayer the preacher said a few words and than invited everyone back to the Bauer residents for the post funeral wake. Another thing Jack never understood. It was not morbid enough to sit in a room and stare at the dead person, go to the graveyard where they would be buried as their casket rested above the hole they would be lowered into when everyone was gone, but you had to have a party afterwards. He hated it, and he made sure to make a note to call his lawyer to get his will changed so that there would be no funeral for him. He did not want one, nor did he feel like he deserved one. He'd rather everyone just forget him and move on. There was no reason for them to miss him, so why bother. Anyways who would show up to his funeral besides the few people who felt compelled to, and they would not be there because they wanted to, but they felt they had to be. There was no reason to make them have to. Everyone came up and gave their condolence again. Tony waited off to the side with George Mason with him. Carol and Kim waited for Jack to leave. After everyone got done giving their condolences again Tony and George walked up to Jack.  
  
Jack looked at them and asked, "Could you guys drive Kim and Carol to the house?"  
  
"Sure, but who's going to be with you?" George asked.  
  
Jack looked away. He didn't want anyone with him. Carol heard Jack's question and came over to object, "I am not leaving you alone Jack."  
  
Tony asked, "How about I or George stay behind with Jack so you can be with Kim and the other one of us will drive you back?"  
  
Carol did not want to leave her little brother alone, but she knew that she would not win this battle with him. "Fine."  
  
"I'll stay than." George said knowing Jack really wanted to be alone and he would give it to the man.  
  
"Ok." Tony said. "I'll drive them back than. I'll see you guys there." Tony said walking away with Carol.  
  
George waited for them to pull away and said, "I'll be in the car waiting. Take your time."  
  
The men were already there waiting to put Teri into the ground. Jack sat in one of the chairs, all of the wind in him gone. He stared at the casket, the grief and guilt he felt overtaking him. The voice in his mind kept saying, "That should be you Bauer. Not her. You are the asshole. You should just end it now. Kim doesn't want you anymore. You are the reason her mother is dead." Jack looked up his eyes bloodshot and said, "Burry her."  
  
The guys looked at him, "We can't while you're here sir."  
  
"Do it damn it." Jack said letting all his anger out on the young man.  
  
The young man looked at his superior and pleaded for help. The older of the two men asked, "Are you sure sir?"  
  
"Yes. Please." Jack said the lump in his throat threatening to bust and the barrier between his actual feelings and body expression threaten to go with it. Jack watched as they lower her into the ground. His mind screaming for him to stop them, maybe she's still alive or maybe he can fit in with her and be with her. When the finished they used their machinery to put the dirt over the grave. It took a hole ten minutes. After all was said and done Jack got up and went to the SUV where George sat in the passenger seat listening to Jimi Hendrix play his guitar and sing his songs.  
  
"Ready to go?" He asked looking at Jack. He felt sorry for the man. He was not that bad of a guy. Yeah he got a little carried away, but he got the job done, and he did it right. Mason found it funny because Jack was one of those people who you either liked or hated and there was very little in between, but when you liked him you liked him always because he was hard not to forgive.  
  
"Yeah." Jack voice hoarser than it was before. He took off driving towards his house. When he reached his home there was already a large group of cars on the street and in his driveway. He parked down the block and they walked to his house. Before they reached the sidewalk that led to the front of the house Mason grabbed Jack arm. And looked into his eyes, "Jack it's not your fault. You did everything you could. We had no way of knowing that Nina was a mole. It's not your fault. You have to let go whatever guilt you feel, and be there for Kim. She needs her father now. I swear Nina will be brought to justices. But you are not helping anything by being guilty. You did not kill her Nina did, and whatever relationship you had with Nina did not kill her."  
  
Jack had fire in his eyes. Mason was taken back to the night Teri was killed when Jack was going to kill Nina and he was able to talk Jack out of it. "No I didn't kill her. My job did. So in the end I did kill her because it was my job." Jack wrenched his arm away and walked into the house leaving Mason stand by the mailbox. Mason followed behind shortly thereafter.  
  
Remember the nights  
  
By the river side  
  
No secrets from our sins  
  
And the world would not subside  
  
And the worst thing  
  
Is knowing  
  
That I'll survive 


	2. Life is for the Living

Dealing  
  
He has passed the graveyard hundreds of times since the day. Circling it, but never actually driving inside. Passing every day after work even though it is not on the route home, it is like the light in the bug zapper, it pulls him in and at the last moment he is able to disregard it and continue on his journey home. It calls to him at night in his sleep. He wakes with cold sweat and when Kate was around she would ask what he was dreaming about he lied about the dream making it to something else. He swore he would never go back there, never. But it continually calls to him. Like the killer who has to revisit the spot he killed his last victim. It is his reminder of what he has done.  
  
Jacks hands started to shake as he drove towards the grave. It has been years since he has been here. This place to him is like the monster in the closet to the child. Jack was a man who has seen death, and will not visit it. He promised he would visit for Kim's sake. She was getting tired of his moping so he would do it. He was Jack Bauer he could stop terrorist, but he couldn't visit his wife's grave. It is funny how the small things in life can scare you the most. The grave held all of the memories he did not want to remember. It held the one person who made the world a better place for him, and now it was a prison for his guilt. As long as it existed and the person he loved lived within it he would have the guilt of causing it.  
  
He turned into the grave yard. His mind else where hoping the car would break down or something would stop him before he reached the grave. He drove on though. He had to he did not fear anything in life, but this, and he would not let it run his life. He stopped the car. His body began to shake in fear of getting out of the car. The child in his mind screamed, "Drive away now. Drive." He got out of the car. His legs not wanting to work. He walked up the little hill and looked around. It was a beautiful graveyard, yet all grave yards were. It was depressing to think of this place of death it as being beautiful. Her death was not beautiful, and this place seemed beautiful at first glance, but for him it was not.  
  
He walked to the grave. His body trying to fight it the entire way. He had to though. It was time he tried to deal with the pain and guilt. As much as he didn't want to he had deal for Kim's sake. She was tried of him waking up screaming in the night, she was tired fearing going home thinking she might find him dead, finally going into that black night. She was tired of looking in his eyes and seeing the pain. He did not understand how his pain could hurt her.  
  
He looked at her headstone. He wasn't sure what her sister had picked out. It was a headstone with two hands in prayer. On it said something about being a good friend, and had Kim's, Teri's sister, and his name on it. He noticed the tears running down his cheeks. He has not cried in public since the night he found Teri. He looked at the grave, and his body became very heavy so he sat down by it. He felt like he had to say something, as stupid as it was. He began to apologize.  
  
"Teri I'm so sorry. It is all my fault. I should be there not you. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry honey. I would trade you in a heart beat." His tears were coming down his cheeks quicker.  
  
"Sometimes I wish I were with you. I'm so sorry. I have failed you again. I'm so sorry." His body was shaking as he cried. He kept saying "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry"  
  
He felt someone put their hand on his shoulder. Through his teared eyes he looked up and saw Kim behind him. She had tears in her eyes.  
  
He looked at her, and his heart hurt. He failed them both. "I'm so sorry Kim."  
  
"Why dad? What are you sorry about?" Kim asked through her tears.  
  
"I'm sorry I let you and your mom down. Everything that happen was because of me. I was selfish, with the life I have lived I do not deserve you guys and that is what they were trying to tell me. If I had never of done the things I had done your mom would still be here and we would be happy."  
  
"Dad it was not your fault. You were protecting the country. It is your job to do it. That is what you are good at. You tried hard and did a great job getting us free. It wasn't your fault no one could have known. Mom understands that. She does and she understands you wanting to be with Kate." Kim said tears running down her face.  
  
"How do you know?" Jack asked trying not to sound angry.  
  
"What did she use to say when you would ask you what would you do if she died? She would want you to find someone new. You had a big heart she said, and you had a duty to share it. She understood. She understands. Kate is a lovely person dad and so are you. You deserve her. You have not done anything wrong."  
  
They sat in silence. Crying together Kim holding her father and trying to comfort him. Inside she felt sadness and joy at the same time; sadness for her mother being dead and the present state of her father, and joy for her father finally facing the past. She held him and rocked. "Everything is fine. Take your time." She encouraged him. She wanted so much to make his pain go away.  
  
After awhile he stopped and looked at Kim. He had a half smile on his face, "Don't tell anyone or I'll have to tell Chase about the fish from your childhood."  
  
"You wouldn't dare." She said smiling. "Don't want anyone to know that the big mean brave Jack Bauer has a soft side to him. That's to late dad they all already know. Let's go." 


End file.
